So the good news is I didn’t gain any weight; of course this statement implies that there is bad news, which is that I also did not lose any weight. Perfectly broke even on the scale this week. I expected it. I am actually surprised that there has been no change on the scale. Two weeks ago I ate like crap (and by crap I mean my new normal of crappy eating, not the kind of crappy eating that put me in this whole mess to begin with), but still managed to lose a pound. Last week I ate like crap again and drank more than normal. (Now before you go thinking I am a total lush who doesn’t realize she is far too old to be doing Irish car bombs on the weekend; by drinking more than normal I mean I had three beers at a Super Bowl party in addition to the bottle of wine I typically sip throughout the week. I am a mom of a toddler, wine is mandatory to my survival.) So I will take my number with pride this week!
Now in the game of weight loss, there are always going to be ups and downs. Did they seriously have to hit right before I hit my 40lb mark though? I am at 37lbs now, but I have been having what feels like an epic slow down and I seem to be crawling towards that 40 pound mark at a turtle carrying a snail speed! At the end of the day my weight loss is consistent; I lost 20 pounds in my first three months, and I am on track to lose close to 20 by the end of six months (February 19th). Because I am anxious to get to the big 40 (in weight loss only, not age, so back off father time!), it seems like this is taking fffooorrrrrreeeevvveeerrr. (Was that obnoxious enough to get my point across?) I feel like the kid who is waiting for Christmas morning, and every day I wake up only to be told “not yet!”
I have to go now and strategize for yet another party tomorrow (for the world’s biggest introvert, I seem to be the social unicorn this month). The plus side of this party is the health nuts and weight watchers* outweigh the others so it should be waist line friendly! May the sugar free cocktails be ever in my favor!
*Yes, I did use weight watchers as an adjective here and not as a plural noun for all you English snobs out there!
Scales are little liars! There I said it. You do everything right; you eat healthy, stay on track, get all that activity in. Then poof! You gain weight or stay the same. Ok, maybe the scale isn’t lying (I mean mine does once in a while, but I have a sassy scale) but it’s not telling you what you want to hear. You step on, scale rolls her eyes, and says “not this week missy”. (No? Yours doesn’t roll its eyes? Am I the only one sticking googly eyes on the scale? Don’t read this like I am a weirdo, googly eyes make everything better.) In the past, I have listened to my scales negativity. I have busted my butt to not see that number budge at all! It is really hard to maintain momentum and motivation when that happens too; especially when you are a wee bit of a perfectionist and expect the rules of losing weight to apply flawlessly. So you stop the progress, halt all steps forward, and just fall back into the old routine that caused the problem to begin with.
Then you do research and find out that because you have both PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and Hashimoto’s thyroiditis that losing weight is a slow process for you. That when you are a total couch potato and start working out, your body can freak out and weight loss is stalled for a bit. You read, and read, and read and see all the ways that the scale lies to you. So what do you do when the scale lies? Find other ways to monitor progress. Now I take measurements and compile photographic evidence of my journey. Most scales aren’t trying to be jerks (), but for the most part they are just trying to tell you the facts. It is up to us to become detectives in our journey. We need more than one witness to success. If you can’t keep your momentum looking at the scale, then don’t use that as your primary way to observe progress. I find pictures are beneficial for me because I see side by side how far I have come. It makes it harder for me to throw in the towel when I have visual proof that my hard work is paying off. Part of the journey is finding what keeps you motivated day after day; so gather all the facts you can and show yourself without a shadow of a doubt that you are making great leaps in the right direction!
We have had a good run together, you and I. For 3(mumble) years we have been BFF’s. When I am down you comforted me. When I feel like celebrating you have celebrated with me (well you and booze). You have even hung out with me when I have been bored. We have had some good times! To many good times.
I don’t know if you have noticed or not but I haven’t been coming around much lately. I wish I could tell you I was sorry about that, but I am not. See Food, while you and I were palling around, you were hurting me. I know you didn’t mean to. I know your first instinct is to nourish me and actually keep me strong, but we have become codependent on one another. Our relationship went from something good to something bad. I don’t know how to let you down easy, but I am spending more time with Health now. Trust me Food; it’s not you it’s me. I don’t know how to control myself around you sometimes, and I overindulge more often than not. It’s not your fault entirely; it is really about me and my lack of self-control around you.
I honestly can’t live without you Food, so this is not good bye. I just can’t come around when you’re bad. There are a lot of good things you can bring to the relationship. I need those things! You do, however, have a lot of negatives as well. When you’re feeling sugary, greasy, or overly salty I have to stay away. I can’t be around you when you are like that; it is too hard to be with you during those times.
This should break my heart, but it doesn’t; Health just gives me so much more right now! Maybe Health, you, and I can all come to a harmonious place together. One day we can all be the friends we were meant to be. For now, I have to back off of our friendship and not spend so much time with you. One day Food, you will realize this was for the better. Until that time, remember, it’s not goodbye…not really.
The gym and I have a love hate relationship. They love to take my money and I hate to visit. The first, most obvious reason is that I am a couch potato. Second, I am a homebody. I don’t like to get out much. The perfect day for me consists of anything that requires me to stay home, preferably without company (ahhh the life of the introvert). Third, I have a toddler, and the state of Nevada frowns on leaving them home alone for an hour while you go work out. Lastly, and this one is kind of important, I have pretty bad anxieties. It is part of the reason I am such an introvert. It is stressful for me to be around people, which is pretty common for people with anxiety disorders. Add to the stress and anxiousness of being out and around strangers (guess the inner kid in me never outgrew stranger danger) is the even bigger stress that I am out of shape. It is hard for people without anxieties to understand how easily a panic attack can be triggered and for the most ridiculous reasons too! Sometimes when I work out, I can feel like I have overdone it. For the normal brain, that just means cooling off and relaxing for the rest of the day. For the anxiety brain, that means I am going to die. (Ok, so that is the diva coming out. It’s not that bad, but in that ballpark.) I am actually a pretty logical person so I am constantly in an argument with myself. Honestly, it can be like a boxing match in my head sometimes; aaannddd in this corner weighing the issue with rationality and reason is logical Raine…. aaannnd in this corner weighing in with terror and trepidation it is anxious Raine. After this happens enough times, I start to dread the gym.
At this point I am heavily considering a home workout routine. Right now, the weather is perfect, and I live next to a nature preserve with loads of trails to hike. I live adjacent to hell though, so in about three or four months it will be 100 and eff that outside. Five to six months out of the year it is too hot to do anything but melt. I mean, I see those crazy sorts out running at like six in the morning; that’s a big nope from me! I don’t like the heat, and I fry in the desert sun. So if I do go the home workout way, I will be stuck doing jazzercise videos in my living room all summer.
This hasn’t kept me from working out yet since I haven’t hit that milestone in my journey. When I started, my weight caused pain in my joints, so I bargained with myself to focus on losing first. I decided that I would give it six months of just losing weight before I started focusing on fitness (folks that means I have been paying for a gym membership for over six months that I haven’t used). That six month mark is three weeks away (eeeekkkk). This means it’s time to figure out an action plan, time to figure out a way to get me off the couch and out to the gym! It is not enough to lose the weight, but I want to be fit too. For me they are the two sides of the healthy living coin.
$85 a month, $1020 a year; what the average coffee drinker spends a month at a coffee house. 33 grams versus 20 grams; the amount of sugar in a grande (Starbucks code for medium) caramel macchiato compared to the amount of sugar in a Snickers bar. There is less sugar in a glazed doughnut (12g) than there is in a skinny caramel macchiato (18g). We pay Starbucks good money every year to help contribute to our expanding waist lines!
These are things I didn’t even think about when I considered why I was so heavy. I thought I was doing ok because I never got the venti (large for those who do not speak Starbucks), and always had my drink made skinny (anyone else feeling like this is false advertisement?!). Since I started this program 5 months ago, I have exactly one Starbucks drink (and it wasn’t even the pumpkin spice latte! Please do not take away my white girl card). Since I do Weight Watchers I think of everything in a value of points, that one medium holiday specialty drink was 18 points. 18 POINTS! Let me put this in perspective, I could have had a doughnut for 13 points (if you get the feeling I like doughnuts, you catch on fast), a whole big kids meal from the arches for 15 points, or a like it size ice cream from a chilly stone for 17 points. All still less points than that one drink (and because I prefer food to liquid diets, way more fulfilling).
The added benefit of making coffee at home instead of the coffee house is the money I am saving. Well, redistributing actually. It is now paying for my gym membership (that I haven’t really started using yet, but that’s another topic) and my Weight Watchers membership. Both of which are extremely beneficial to my health and give me a better sense of money well spent.
This isn’t to say I will never be getting coffee house drinks ever again. I like them; they’re specifically crafted for me and millions of others to like them. Only now I view them as a special treat; a few times a year instead of a few times a week. Knowing I can makes me feel less deprived when I don’t!
Last June was my son’s 1st birthday, and we decided to celebrate with my in-laws in Florida. We also decided that, for the one birthday he is guaranteed not to remember, we should take him to Disney World. We bought the photo package as proof to him one day that we are awesome parents because like I already mentioned, at one year, his memory is not at its peak! Now I know I am over weight, and I know that over the past couple years another 25 pounds creeped* onto my already heavy frame. Knowing this and seeing this are two very different things. I had a grand plan to blow these pictures up, put them on canvas, and display them all over the house. When I saw the pictures I realized this was not the body I wanted to blow up, put on canvas and display anywhere!
Distraught, I went to my husband and suggested strongly suggested demanded weight loss surgery. He is very pro surgery, but only when it is medically necessary and there is no other alternative. I pointed out that I was going to die without weight loss surgery (hence medically necessary). We proceeded to have a pretty big fight over this; not our biggest, but top 10. Once I calmed down (and realized I wasn’t as terminal as the diva side of me claimed to be), I negotiated with my very logical husband. If I lost at 50 pounds it would put my BMI under 40, and weight loss surgery would no longer be covered by my insurance (since I am surprising healthy aside from the weight). The deal was that if I could not lose 50 pounds naturally (and really try) before we could save the money needed for the copay, I would get the surgery. I have PCOS and a thyroid condition making weight loss a SLOW process, so I honestly thought I had this in the bag. That was five months ago in August, 8/19 to be exact. As of today I have lost 35 pounds, and I am so glad my husband had faith in me to start! I have decided that even though I am not at the 50 pound mark, I am not going to pursue surgery. I still have a LONG way to go (about 100 pounds), but I have confidence in myself that I can do this!
*Spellcheck says this isn’t a word, but this is my blog and I say it is a word. My blog, my rules spellcheck!
**No, my Christmas tree is not still almost half way through January, the current picture was actually taken on New Year’s Day.